Get Her Words Out

TAMFS Rocks!!!

I had an amazing time this weekend at “Bless Your Heart” the national gathering of That All May Freely Serve (tamfs.org).  TAMFS is a nation advocate for inclusion for LGBTQI people in the Presbyterian Church (USA).

From their website:

The following statement of commitment was adopted by the board of That All May Freely Serve in July of 2002:

"That All May Freely Serve commits to actively resist and transform structures and systems of injustice. To join in solidarity in making the connections with those disenfranchised by racism, classism, sexism, heterosexism, ageism, ablebodyism, gender identity oppression, eco-exploitation, militarism, and all other structures of exploitation and oppression through the lens of our social location and focus on the liberation of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious prejudice and exclusionary church policies."

I loved the whole weekend; we had four great worship services, workshops, talent shows and a lot of fellowship.  I was stunned by how good it felt to be taking part in such an open and affirming community.  I really didn’t want it to end.

Before the weekend, I was mostly thinking of the conference as a chance to do some networking for my upcoming job search.  I’m glad that I managed to do some of that, but the conference turned out to be so much more for me.

I think it's done

I think that I have just finished my Exegesis Ordination Exam.  It's my second try, I failed the one I took in the fall.  I don't know if this one is any better, I'm not even entirely sure that it is coherent, but I have answers for all the questions and an outline for the sermon that's supposed to be included.  So I am calling it done. 

I've noticed several times recently that the academic papers I write that I like least tend to get the best grades.  I don't know how much I can rely on that, but the readers didn't like the Exegesis Exam that I like, so maybe they will like this one.

I really don't want to have to take it again.

On a completely unrelated subject, I just saw that Capital One commercial where the guy tries to celebrate a years worth of holidays on one afternoon in August.  Do you think Capital One has someone on the staff who reviews their commercial to make sure that they are stupid and annoying enough?

Why alone?

Why is it 6 or 11 years since intimacy, or even closeness?

I've thought about this today and come up with several answers and they probably all contribute to it.

The first and largest is that I have spent most of my life hiding.  Even before I had words like transgender for who I am, I knew that I was different and that I needed to hide.  It was easier and often more fun to be alone than it was to be with other people.  When I was alone I could be me, I didn't have to filter my reactions or worry that I was going to give something away. 

Then, my self-image was so bad that I truly believed that people didn't want me around.  I knew me, it seemed to me that not wanting me around was a perfectly rational way to feel.  This belief ended up being very circular:  I believed that people didn't want me around them, so I would distance myself from them.  Which they would perceive as my not wanting to be around them, so they would distance themselves from me.  Which only reinforced my original belief.

The third thing is that while I was busy hiding and distancing myself, other people were learning things like flirting and dating.  I don't know how to flirt, I don't understand flirting, and I don't think that I would recognize flirting if anyone was ever inclined to flirt with me.  I have watched people doing things that are labeled "flirtatious," watched people playing girl-boy games, and I just don't get them, I don't know how they work, or why they would be good things to do.  It is very problematic to try to recreate behavior that you don't understand, because you also don't understand the limits.

Now, I am not hiding anymore, and I am learning to believe that people do want me around, but there was no one waiting at the end of the tunnel, and I don't know how to find someone, or where to look, really.

On the plus side, I have started to make real, close friends for the first time.  Four afternoons this week I went to Starbucks with friends to just sit and talk.  Last night, a friend called and said, "we're trying to figure out what to do tonight, come join us."  In the old days those things would have been unheard of.  To have a couple of hours to sit and talk to someone, to have their attention for that long would have been something to cherish for months, and it happened four times this week.

Things are getting better.  It's hard to remember that sometimes, especially at 3 a.m.

trans gender
trans-gender
transponder
transcend
transgenic
Edit...
Ignore all
Add to dictionary

labeled
la bled
la-bled
lab led
lab-led
Edit...
Revert to "labled"

no one
no-one
none
noon
Nonie
Edit...
Revert to "noone"

Ranting at 3 a.m.

We're in between terms here and I've really got nothing to do, which always ends up being a problem.

Anyway, for no good reason, I started to watch Two and a Half Men on CBS tonight, which I have done maybe once before.  I had to turn it off after five minutes because the premise of the episode was so offensive and painful.  The episode was about how hard it was on the Charlie Sheen character to be in this relationship with a beautiful woman and after an entire month to not have had sex with her.  They even had a video montage of scenes showing frustrating it was for the poor man.  I didn't know whether to scream or cry.  This is just as offensive as that stupid 40 Days and 40 Nights movie a few years ago.   Are there truly real people in the world who are traumatized by going a whole month without sex?

There is this whole genre of comedies that are based on how terribly hard things like this are on the beautiful people in the world, over on ABC there's Emily's Reasons Why Not to show us how difficult it is for Heather Graham, Heather Graham, to find a good relationship.  Not just a relationship, but the perfect relationship.  What could I possibly take from that except to confirm that I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life, because if it is that hard for Heather Graham, it's going to be impossible for me.

They all just make me want to scream at the TV, "you think that's bad?  Try my life."

I've talked to people about how lonely and disconnected from the rest of the world I feel, but I don't know if I ever really manage to communicate just how deep those feelings are.

I was recently telling  a couple of people about how I often come to meals in the school's cafeteria not to eat but because I am lonely.  One of them seemed surprised that I would feel lonely at breakfast time.  I just said yes I do, but I really wanted to explain that I am lonely when I wake up, I'm lonely when I go to bed and I am lonely in between.

For most of my adult life the norm has been for me to go home after work and to have no human interaction until I went back to work the next morning.  And when I was not involved in a church, that meant that it was not uncommon for me to go from Friday afternoon to Monday morning without talking to another person.  At least with a church, I only had to make it to Sunday.

Right now, it has been six years since I was close enough to someone, intimate enough with them, to hold their hand, to sit with my arm around them as we watched TV, to kiss them.  Six years.  And I have no reason to think that that is going to change anytime soon, the last interval was eleven years.  I guess that I just don't have the stamina that I used to have, I really don't know how I'll make it another five years, but I'm afraid I am going to find out.

And as for poor Charlie Sheen and his whole month without sex.  The first time I had sex I was 19 (She was also my first kiss).  The last time I had sex I was 19 (Same woman).  I am going to turn 41 in March.  To say the least, I have very little sympathy for him.

Made it, part 2.

I made it across country without any major problems.  For the last few years I have flown home, and there has never been any snow when I got here.  The year I drive, of course, it snows the whole day that I arrive on.

But it turned out to be no big deal, I-70 was clear all day, and I really didn't get slowed down at all.

I stopped at my sister's house in Denver before heading to Greeley.  We had a nice visit.

I think when I go back that I'll try to do the trip in two days rather than three, I had plenty of time and energy to go father than I did each day on this trip and I only ended up driving for about 5 hours on the last day.  I should be able to do two and a half extra hours each of the first two days.

My mother is trying very hard, maybe even too hard, to be okay with my trans-ness, I had gotten used to being around people for whom it has become routine and as normal as it can be, so it is kind of rough to deal with someone making a big deal out of it.   But she is doing pretty well.

My brother is doing his best to just ignore it.  I don't know how I feel about that.

Made it

I put the last thing I had to do for the semester into campus mail this morning, so I am free.

I've been packing things up all morning trying to get ready to leave for Colorado this afternoon to spend Christmas with my family.  It's amazing how nervous I am.

First, this will be the first time I have seen my family since I came out.  I'm sure they will be good about everything, but I'm still a little tense.

Second, I'm nervous about leaving a place where it has been safe for me to dress as myself.  Atlanta, inside the Perimeter especially, is metropolitan enough that I don't worry much about being a little out there in my dressing.  And the people on our campus have been great about it.  But I don't know how it's going to be somewhere else.  I'm going to try to be a little extra butch on the drive, be careful with the way I pull my hair back (do the more masculine low pony tail not the more feminine high one) and not where too much pink, or nail polish.  But when I am home, I would like to not have to do that.  We'll see.

Updates will be patchy for the next couple of weeks, as I will be limited to accessing the 'net at libraries while I'm away.

About the title

The title "Get Her Words Out" comes from the "Karma Chameleon" episode of Wonderfalls, a series that I loved.

I chose it, though, because it is expressive of what I want to do here.  As I am coming out and transitioning, I am moving from Jim to Meghan.  I am showing the world a new me and I am learning who that new me wil be.

Meghan needs a voice, I need to "get her words out" so I can hear what they are and so the world can, too.

My lifelong experience of being a closeted trans-person has been one of hiding.  There was a time in my life when it would not be unusual for me to go home from work on Friday and not speak to another human being until I went back to work on Monday.  I don't want to live that way anymore.  I want to be connected to the world and to the people in it.

Donne said, "no man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind;"  I want to be involved with mankind, I want to be a part of the continent.

I hope that in learning how to talk to you, my imagined audience, I will in some way be learning how to talk connect in ways that I haven't before.  I have never really had a voice of my own, I tend to communicate better through quotes than I do with my own words.

Maybe I can find that voice here, while I am "getting her words out."

Beginnings

I guess I've got to start somewhere.

40. Transgender.  Presbyterian.  Working on an M.Div.

I'm going to try this, I don't know how well I'll do, but what could go wrong?

I'm supposed to graduate in May of 2006 and I have no idea where I will be going, what I will be doing, or who I'll be with, or even if there is anyone for me.

I'm going to try writing about faith, vocation, call, transitions of all kinds and about trying to find someone to connect with.  But I won't be limited to those just those things.

I have a lot of questions and a lot of anxieties.  I'm sure they will all be coming out in the course of doing this.