I've been thinking about coming back to this recently, but by coincidence the OED Word of the Day email that I get was limerence today, so today seems like a good day to write about this.
In the past I've written on this subject here and here and my understanding has continued to evolve, here's the story so far:
Act I: In the midst of lots of therapy and self-reflection, I observe a new couple on campus, she's beautiful, he's handsome and they are relatively visible in their affection for each other; and for some reason I find seeing them cuddling on park benches and such like very upsetting.
Based on my life long interest with women and on cultural conditioning I assume that the source of my upset is that I have a crush on her, that she is a limerent object for me, and that is why it is so upsetting to me to see them together. This act lasts several months until. . .
Act II: Continuing my self-reflection, I realize that I never really think about being with her, except in the context of being with him, I jump to the conclusion that it must be him that I am actually attracted to him. This only lasts a couple of months until. . .
Act III: I have now come to realize that I don't want to be with her and I don't want to be with him, what I want is to be her with him; which can't happen and which doesn't fit any standard societal category.
So what is my sexual orientation? If I could be the woman I want to be, I would be heterosexual. But, that sentence doesn't mean any more than saying "if I could fly I would have sex with angels,*" and as I am, I really don't have any interest in having sex with any one.
It comes down to this: I can't have the sex that I want, and I don't want the sex I can have, so I'm not looking to have any.
* Yes, I know they are ill equipped. So am I.
do you think there will be an act iv?
Posted by: bethany | November 02, 2006 at 05:33 PM
Who can say? I just have to trust God to lead me where I'm supposed to go.
Posted by: welderasf | November 02, 2006 at 08:48 PM
Maybe it isn't about sex or attraction at the core, but an aching for intimacy. I sure as hell haven't figured out sexual attraction, men vs women. But I recognize it when it hits me. I just can't always deconstruct why.
Is your blog title "get her words out" a reference to wonderfalls?
cheers
Rachel
Posted by: Rachel P | November 07, 2006 at 02:33 PM
Yes, it is from wonderfalls. I love that show.
Posted by: welderasf | November 07, 2006 at 03:54 PM