Get Her Words Out

Limerence and orientation revisited

I've been thinking about coming back to this recently, but by coincidence the OED Word of the Day email that I get was limerence today, so today seems like a good day to write about this.

In the past I've written on this subject here and here and my understanding has continued to evolve, here's the story so far:

Act I:  In the midst of lots of therapy and self-reflection, I observe a new couple on campus, she's beautiful, he's handsome and they are relatively visible in their affection for each other; and for some reason I find seeing them cuddling on park benches and such like very upsetting.

Based on my life long interest with women and on cultural conditioning I assume that the source of my upset is that I have a crush on her, that she is a limerent object for me, and that is why it is so upsetting to me to see them together.  This act lasts several months until. . .

Act II:  Continuing my self-reflection, I realize that I never really think about being with her, except in the context of being with him, I jump to the conclusion that it must be him that I am actually attracted to him.  This only lasts a couple of months until. . .

Act III:  I have now come to realize that I don't want to be with her and I don't want to be with him, what I want is to be her with him;  which can't happen and which doesn't fit any standard societal category.

So what is my sexual orientation?  If I could be the woman I want to be, I would be heterosexual.  But, that sentence doesn't mean any more than saying "if I could fly I would have sex with angels,*"  and as I am, I really don't have any interest in having sex with any one.

It comes down to this:  I can't have the sex that I want, and I don't want the sex I can have, so I'm not looking to have any.

* Yes, I know they are ill equipped.  So am I.

I need to write something

I know it's been two weeks since I posted anything, so I figure I need to write something.

---On the ordination front, I've been getting a lot of good advice, and things are happening, but they're in process and I can't really talk about them until they actually happen.  I have definitely decided not to just take this passively; there is no reason for me to be passive because, as far as I can tell, there is no practical difference between transferring as an inquirer and starting all over again from scratch.  Being an inquirer is much like being Vice President, "not worth a warm bucket of spit."

---I went to a panel discussion in Denver last week as part of the "Out In Our Faith" film series.  The film for the week was Call Me Malcolm which is a documentary about an FTM transperson's journey through both transition and the the UCC ordination process.  I was really looking forward to a discussion of trans and ordination issues, but the organizers decided the talk should be about "the intersection of sexuality and faith."

Things like that drive transpeople nuts (I'm not just speaking for myself here, other transpeople in the audience agreed), talks that begin at trans always seem to end up at sexuality and they are not the same issue.

The thing is, if people in a supportive atmosphere like that immediately jump from trans to sex, how can we blame people in  a less supportive environment (like presbytery, say) who jump to the conclusion that my saying I'm trans just means that I'm a gay man who wants to pretend I'm a woman?

---You know how sometimes you go to church, and, just at random, the sermon is just exactly what you needed to hear?

I can now testify that the opposite happens as well.

The two texts for the sermon I heard Sunday were Solomon asking for wisdom and Jesus telling the rich young ruler that he needed to sell everything.  The church was kicking off their annual stewardship campaign, and the sermon was part of that.  Two of the big points of the sermon were:

1. We're all too caught up in trying to gain power and in trying to control our lives and we need to give up our power.

2. We need to sacrifice our control and just say that we want to serve God's people and trust in God to equip us for that service and to provide for us.

Not bad points, except when your feeling 1. completely powerless and out of control, and 2. like you've sacrificed quite a bit in order to serve the people of God, that God has equipped you for that service and that the people of God have said "no, thanks."  I left that service feeling very depressed.

Coming Out Day Service

I drove down to a nice National Coming Out Day Service at Wash Park UCC in Denver last night.  They wrote some nice liturgy for the service, I particulary like their "Eight Communal Vows of Coming Out":

• I vow never to devalue God's creative brilliance in me.

• I promise never to let the world diminish the love and affection I feel for anyone.

• I undertake to choose a life of courage and work, integrity and truthfulness, laughter and play in the fullness of of my spirit.

• May God grant me such courage as to climb the mountains I must, and to leave behind the valleys that do not serve heart.

• I pledge to care for myself and my community in safety and freedom.

• I will never own the sinful judgments of an ignorant society, but will pray for God's redemptive love to transform all who hate in the name of God.

• I will covenant to live in holiness or marriage with whomever I choose, not worrying about, or waiting upon, the culture's affirmation of my love, but seek instead God's unconditional love and affirmation.

• I will be myself in joy and sorrow, good times and bad and I will live my life abundantly.

On Ordination

There were members of the CPM who were quite offended by my saying that as I have moved through the process myself, and as I've watched other people do the same, my theology of ordination has gotten lower and lower until I've reached the point where, much of the time, it seems to me as little more than a union card.

Since I am already ordained as an Elder, it seems that the main things that ordination as a Minister of Word and Sacrament would gain me is access to a group of jobs that I can't apply for now and a certain guaranteed level of benefits if I get one of those jobs.

What does that make ordination but a union card?

Sure I would be able to administer the Sacraments, but, with the permission of a COM, I can do that now.  And I have.

The problem is, I really want one of those jobs that I can only get if I am ordained as a MoWS.  I could be an educator, a chaplain, or a youth leader with out ordination, and those are all great jobs; but I want to be a preacher, I think I am called and gifted to be a preacher and all of the preacher jobs are behind the wall of ordination.

What's even more frustrating are the large number of not very good preachers out there who have managed to get their union cards get ordained.

More

I made it home, so I'm done with driving long distances for a while, at least until I have to drive to Denver tomorrow.

I'm feeling lost, although not much more lost than I felt before all this happened; it's not like I knew where I was going before.

The CPM gave me a choice at the end of the meeting, I can go to the November 16 presbytery meeting where the CPM's recommendation will be acted on and speak on my own behalf; or sometime before now and then I can submit what amounts to a letter of resignation.

At first I thought the choice was between having it appear that I was fired or that I left voluntarily.  But the more I think about it, the more it seems like a choice between going "quietly into that good night," and standing up for myself and saying that they can't just get away with this without paying some price.  I think they at least need to stand before the whole presbytery and say explicitly what their "sufficient reason"* is for terminating our covenant relationship.

I'm still trying to get hold of some people to get their advice about where to go from here.  Among other things, I guess I need to start limiting my job search to presbyteries that might be more willing to listen for the movement of the Holy Spirit.

* The Constitution of the Presbyterian Church (USA), Part II, The Book of Order, G-14.0312:

An inquirer or candidate may, after consultation with the session and the committee on preparation for ministry, withdraw from covenant relationship. Upon receiving such a request transmitted through the committee on preparation for ministry, the stated clerk
shall remove the individual’s name from the roll of inquirers or candidates and report the removal to presbytery. A presbytery may also, for sufficient reasons, remove an individual’s name from the roll of inquirers or candidates, reporting this action and the reasons to the session, to the individual, and, if appropriate, to the educational institution in which the individual is enrolled. In both instances, prior to final action, the committee on preparation for ministry shall make a reasonable attempt to give the inquirer or candidate and other parties of interest an opportunity to be heard by
that committee. The presbytery may arrange for the continued guidance and support of those who withdraw or are removed from the roll of inquirers or candidates. [emphasis mine]

Well . . .

I met with the CPM today, and I guess it will be the last time I do that, at least with this CPM.  They voted to recommend to the presbytery that my name be struck from the roll of inquirers and that our covenant relationship be ended.

The committee feels that while I probably am called to ordained ministry and while there is no specific reason that I shouldn't be an ordained Minister of Word and Sacrament, there is no chance that I will get there in this presbytery.

It's still to soon after the meeting for me to know how I feel, I haven't really processed it yet, and I'm worn out from the drive and the meeting.

More later.

Enough

The simplest of things---
Who would expect the power
Of the bread and the wine?

Where else can we look for the power of God?

Do we need rainbows?  Water is enough.
Do we need angels?  Grain is enough.
Do we need saints?  Grapes are enough

God comes where God will come.
God acts where and with whom God will act.
Even, against all odds, as God acted through Esther, God may choose to act through us.