Way Down Deep . . .

I am under doctor’s order to be more shallow.

I don’t imagine that there are too many people whose therapist tells them that they have to learn to be more superficial.  Actually the words she used were “more surface-y.”

She thinks that the reason I have such a hard time doing small talk and keeping up with conversations is that I spend too much time reflecting on what I am going to say and that I think too deeply about what I should say.  She says that I need to be more playful, more surface-y and less concerned with rules.

How do you learn to be shallow?  It seems obvious that doing long reflective posts on your blog about the rules of superficiality is not the way to go.

I’m really all about rules; at least for myself.  I know that other people can play around with rules and get away with it, but I have never felt that I could.  It’s why I don’t speed on highways, not because I have any real objection to speeding, but because I know that I will get caught when I break the rules.

I want there to be rules for conversation, then I could just compare what was just said to a list of rules and come up with a reply.  I’m a math geek, and what I want is a “conversation function,” a kind of black box where I can enter what the other person in the conversation has said and the box will apply a set of rules and give me the proper response.

In the real world, because there are no predetermined rules, I feel like every conversation is a problem that I have to solve from scratch and that takes time and energy.  Casual conversation is hard work.

All of this is also why I struggle with flirtation (see “Games People Play,” below).  I want there to be rules and guidelines for all interactions.  I don’t trust myself when there are no rules because, just like I know that I will get caught speeding, I know that I will say or do something offensive or hurtful if I just go with the flow.

I guess, though, if I am ever going to be able to really connect with other people, I need to make a serious effort to be less serious.

Comments

[Gaddabout]

Is it possible your therapist was suggesting you give more people the benefit of the doubt and stop worrying so much what they think of you?

[welderasf]

I think it would be closer to the truth to say that she wants me to give myself the benefit of the doubt that when I speak casually what I say

a) is not going to be accidentally offensive or hurtful,

b) is not going to reveal too much about me (a very real worry when I wasn't out) and

c) is going to be worthwhile or have some value.

For most of my life the issue has not been that I thought other people were wrong, it has been that I knew that I was wrong.

[bethany]

you might say something wrong sometimes. i certainly do. i feel like that's not the biggest thing to fear--at least when we remember that there's grace for us in this process of life. certainly grace from God, and hopefully grace from other people who know that we're all totally dependent on God to get along in this world. that grace is hard to remember sometimes, at least for me. i hope that God can send some reminders of grace your way over these days of transformation and conversational risk-taking; in the midst of times of great connection with people, and amid mistakes. godspeed.

[john w]

have you and your therapist delved into why you put so much effort into your response? to avoid a putdown comeback once you join the conversation? to not appear "stupid"? because you have been told your opinion is not needed? or you don't know what you are talking about? I apologize for the obviously negative reasons, I am now programmed to think that way after hearing all of the various types of emotional abuse my wife endured as a child a teen and even an adult by her family. Just a thought.