Get Her Words Out

Church Shopping

In all honesty, after the last post, I have to admit that I have been church shopping lately.   As I sat, more or less unhappily, in church this last Sunday, I realized that the problem really was not about any of the churches I've been attending (although I have to say, coming into the narthex five minutes before the published start time to find the ushers busily closing all the doors to the sanctuary was not very welcoming.);  The problem is that I am tired of just going to church, after three years of seminary, two years as a Lay Pastor and two years of training before that, I am ready to be doing something.   (If it's not too much to ask, I would like to be payed for it, too.)

The Kind of Church You Want

Adam at Pomomusings has written a nice article for Relevant Magazine about church shopping and how we will never find the exact church that we are looking for, but “[i]nstead we need to find a church and commit to it."

The idea of church shopping and moving around to find the church you want always make me think of this poem.  Its author is unknown, and the book I have it in (The Best Loved Poems of the American People) was published in 1936, so it is at least 70 years old.  Because of its age, the language is not very inclusive, but I like it nonetheless.

IT ISN’T THE CHURCH – IT’S YOU

If you want to have the kind of church
Like the kind of a church you like,
You needn’t slip your clothes in a grip
And start on a long, long hike.
You’ll only find what you left behind,
For there’s nothing really new.
It’s a knock at yourself when you knock your church;
It isn’t the church – it’s you.

When everything seems to be going wrong,
And trouble seems everywhere brewing;
When prayer meeting, Young People’s meeting, and all,
Seem simmering slowly – stewing,
Just take a look at yourself and say,
“What’s the use of being blue?”
Are you doing you “bit” to make things “hit”?
It isn’t the church – it’s you.

It’s really strange sometimes, don’t you know,
That things go as well as they do,
When we think of the little – the small mite –
We add to the work of the few.
We sit, and stand round, and complain of what’s done,
And do very little but fuss.
Are we bearing our share of the burdens to bear?
It isn’t the church – it’s us.

So, if you want to have the kind of a church
Like the kind of a church you like,
Put off your guile, and put on your best smile,
And hike, my brother, just hike,
To the work in hand that has to be done –
The work of saving a few.
It isn’t the church that is wrong, my boy;
It isn’t the church – it’s you.

A couple of years ago somebody from the PC(USA)’s New Church Development division preached in chapel at Columbia.  Somewhere he had found a statistic that showed that more than forty percent of the unchurched people out there would go to church if they could just find a church that they liked.

His point was that we should be working hard to become that church; the one that all those people would like, that was the key to growing our denomination.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many of those people defined “a church that I like” as a church that never asked anything of them, that never challenged them, wanted to them do any work, or to spend any time at the church beyond 11-12 Sunday morning.

In an environment of church shopping, the danger is not only that the consumers will set unreachable standards, but also that the church itself will try to give up too much of itself to meet those standards.

TAMFS Rocks!!!

I had an amazing time this weekend at “Bless Your Heart” the national gathering of That All May Freely Serve (tamfs.org).  TAMFS is a nation advocate for inclusion for LGBTQI people in the Presbyterian Church (USA).

From their website:

The following statement of commitment was adopted by the board of That All May Freely Serve in July of 2002:

"That All May Freely Serve commits to actively resist and transform structures and systems of injustice. To join in solidarity in making the connections with those disenfranchised by racism, classism, sexism, heterosexism, ageism, ablebodyism, gender identity oppression, eco-exploitation, militarism, and all other structures of exploitation and oppression through the lens of our social location and focus on the liberation of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious prejudice and exclusionary church policies."

I loved the whole weekend; we had four great worship services, workshops, talent shows and a lot of fellowship.  I was stunned by how good it felt to be taking part in such an open and affirming community.  I really didn’t want it to end.

Before the weekend, I was mostly thinking of the conference as a chance to do some networking for my upcoming job search.  I’m glad that I managed to do some of that, but the conference turned out to be so much more for me.

Limerence

It's kind of embarrassing to admit when I'm less than a week away from being 41 years old, but I have always been really susceptible to crushes, and I have been dealing with a doozy for the last few months.

I've always enjoyed knowing technical terms for everyday things, so I'm intrigued by limerence.  I don't know if saying "____ has become a limerent object for me," is any better than saying "I have a crush on ____," but it certainly sounds fancier.

Limerence has certain basic components:^[2]

• intrusive thinking about the limerent object

• acute longing for reciprocation

• some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerence through vivid imagining of action by the limerent object that means reciprocation

• fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the limerent object's presence

• intensification through adversity

• acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable" explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object

• an aching in the chest when uncertainty is strong

• buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident

• a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background

• a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the limerent object and to avoid dwelling on the negative or render it into another positive attribute

I like to think I am on the waning side of this limerence, but the article says that they tend to run from 18 months to three years, so I guess I have at least a year to go.

I does help me to know that what I am going through is well documented and that it happens to other people.  I think I have a tendency to believe that the things I feel are uniquely mine and to hold them tightly to my chest as proof of how different I am.  The more of those things that I can let go of, the more I can connect with people around me and the less lonely I will be.

Transamerica

I saw Transamerica this weekend.

There were a bunch of places, from the very beginning, where I thought they got things exactly right.  I sat there nodding and thinking that I knew exactly how she felt.

But I was really frustrated by Bree, the main character. 

I’m fairly girly myself, I’m all about pink and pretty shoes and hair ribbons and all that stuff, but I don’t think that means that I have to be useless and prissy.  I would have been frustrated with Bree, male or female, trans or not, because I don’t have any patience for people who won’t do something because there hands might get dirty, or because people of their gender don’t do those kind of things.

I spent the whole movie waiting to see what it was that made Bree strong, what made Bree special, the thing that transcended gender and existed in her no matter how she was presenting.  I would have been happy with something like the car breaking down and Bree grabbing a wrench and fixing it, something to say that basic human competence is not related to gender.

Living into a female identity doesn’t mean that I have to forget that I was a welder and a carpenter, just as living into a male identity didn’t mean that I couldn’t discuss Oscar fashions with my mother.

She talked at one point about the cultures that valued us as “two-spirit people” but it was hard for me to see that she had much spirit at all. 

It seemed for her to live into her feminine identity, she had to adopt all of the cultural stereotypes that go along with being a woman:  overly fastidious, timid, hobbling along in high heels, made helpless by an overly elaborate manicure.  (I was impressed by how she was able to keep that manicure immaculate through the entire trip.  It’s usually only about half an hour before I have scratched my nail polish)

But, I think one of the great things about being trans is that I have the opportunity to pick and choose which gender roles and expectations I will live into and which ones I will ignore.

My limited experience in the trans community makes me think that I may not be typical, though.  I have gotten the impression that the driving passion for many trans-women is the desire to “pass.”  Everything revolves around reaching the point where they will pass completely as a woman.  In the movie, Bree implies that part of her motivation to have SRS is so that she will be able to pass utterly, even to the point of a gynecological exam.

I’m really not driven by that urge.  What’s more important for me is to have the freedom, confidence and courage to not pass.  I want to be able to be me, whatever that may mean, and I want to learn to be happy with whatever that means, not to spend my whole life wishing for more.

The Present I Want

I've got a birthday coming up, and I never know what to say when someone asks what I want.

The Present I Want

I don’t want you to give me the present I want.

I don’t want gift cards,

(Best Buy, Amazon)

I don’t want that exact thing on page 27 of the catalog.

(XXL, pink)

I don’t want to make gift giving easy.

I want it to be work,

I want you to have to think,

I want you to have to take time.

Because the gift I want, is one that can’t be bought.

It's one I can’t get at any store,

The gift I’m truly greedy for

Is your time, and your thought.