Of the awarding of prizes

It’s been the school’s tradition to announce the recipients of various awards and fellowships during the graduation ceremony each year.  They are awards for scholarship in various disciplines, or for preaching or for a variety of other things.  I had never given much thought except for a vague feeling when I went to graduation last year of “well, that’s kind of nice.”

Now, though, there has been a suggestion (and a petition) to end that practice. It seems that when we recognize particular people, we make other people feel bad about themselves and the feeling is that we should always strive to avoid that.  The original suggestion, and I think it has evolved some since then, was that recipient’s names would be published in the graduation bulleting and that the certificates, checks, etc. should be distributed in the campus mail.

I was surprised at myself by how strongly I felt about not wanting to abolish the practice of handing out awards.  It’s taken me a few days to sort out my feelings about it and realize what was going on.

My initial reaction was that I was willing to have a few people feel bad in exchange for others being able to experience a little joy and pride.  Part of the question seemed to me to involve balancing experiences and I think that a small amount of joy outweighs a larger amount of upset.  But I also don’t know that I understand the depth of bad feeling that this practice causes.

But, I was upset enough that I knew that there was something deeper going on.  After much reflection, I realize that a lot of my self image and my dreams are wrapped up in this issue.

Part of my self-image, not a good part, and a part that my therapist really wants me to work on, is that there is nothing special about me.  Other people have talents that make them extraordinary, they can sing, play musical instruments, dance, create art, play sports or any number of other things.  I have never thought that I have any of those kinds of talents; I have never thought that I was extraordinary, at least not in any good way.  I have really believed there is nothing I do that anybody else couldn’t do just as well or better if they were interested in trying to do it.

Even when I have done well, and been complimented, my feeling has been that I just happened to be there to do whatever it was, not that there was something special about me.

I realize now that part of me has always rebelled against this idea because through the years I have spent a lot of time daydreaming about winning awards.  In my dreams I have won Tonys, Oscars, Emmys, even Nobel Prizes.  Now I realize what all those dreams were about was that I wanted to have something tangible, something I could hold, something I could show to other people that was proof that I had done something special, that I had done something more than what just anybody could do.

Now that I have thought about it and put all those things together, I realize that my initial negative reaction to not awarding prizes at graduation was some part of me yelling, “No!  This is my chance, at last.  You can’t take it away from me!”

Really, I don’t think I care all that much about whether prizes are awarded at graduation or not.  I’ll survive either way and if it makes other people happier to not have them, then so be it.

Comments

[Bethany]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this with me, even if in blog-form. And it's not really about people feeling bad. That's not the point for me. The point for me is that comparison and competition are antithetical to what I understand the Gospel to be. I do hope that you, me, and all of us can find some encouragement and ways to celebrate ourselves and one another.