Why is it 6 or 11 years since intimacy, or even closeness?
I've thought about this today and come up with several answers and they probably all contribute to it.
The first and largest is that I have spent most of my life hiding. Even before I had words like transgender for who I am, I knew that I was different and that I needed to hide. It was easier and often more fun to be alone than it was to be with other people. When I was alone I could be me, I didn't have to filter my reactions or worry that I was going to give something away.
Then, my self-image was so bad that I truly believed that people didn't want me around. I knew me, it seemed to me that not wanting me around was a perfectly rational way to feel. This belief ended up being very circular: I believed that people didn't want me around them, so I would distance myself from them. Which they would perceive as my not wanting to be around them, so they would distance themselves from me. Which only reinforced my original belief.
The third thing is that while I was busy hiding and distancing myself, other people were learning things like flirting and dating. I don't know how to flirt, I don't understand flirting, and I don't think that I would recognize flirting if anyone was ever inclined to flirt with me. I have watched people doing things that are labeled "flirtatious," watched people playing girl-boy games, and I just don't get them, I don't know how they work, or why they would be good things to do. It is very problematic to try to recreate behavior that you don't understand, because you also don't understand the limits.
Now, I am not hiding anymore, and I am learning to believe that people do want me around, but there was no one waiting at the end of the tunnel, and I don't know how to find someone, or where to look, really.
On the plus side, I have started to make real, close friends for the first time. Four afternoons this week I went to Starbucks with friends to just sit and talk. Last night, a friend called and said, "we're trying to figure out what to do tonight, come join us." In the old days those things would have been unheard of. To have a couple of hours to sit and talk to someone, to have their attention for that long would have been something to cherish for months, and it happened four times this week.
Things are getting better. It's hard to remember that sometimes, especially at 3 a.m.
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