Ranting at 3 a.m.

We're in between terms here and I've really got nothing to do, which always ends up being a problem.

Anyway, for no good reason, I started to watch Two and a Half Men on CBS tonight, which I have done maybe once before.  I had to turn it off after five minutes because the premise of the episode was so offensive and painful.  The episode was about how hard it was on the Charlie Sheen character to be in this relationship with a beautiful woman and after an entire month to not have had sex with her.  They even had a video montage of scenes showing frustrating it was for the poor man.  I didn't know whether to scream or cry.  This is just as offensive as that stupid 40 Days and 40 Nights movie a few years ago.   Are there truly real people in the world who are traumatized by going a whole month without sex?

There is this whole genre of comedies that are based on how terribly hard things like this are on the beautiful people in the world, over on ABC there's Emily's Reasons Why Not to show us how difficult it is for Heather Graham, Heather Graham, to find a good relationship.  Not just a relationship, but the perfect relationship.  What could I possibly take from that except to confirm that I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life, because if it is that hard for Heather Graham, it's going to be impossible for me.

They all just make me want to scream at the TV, "you think that's bad?  Try my life."

I've talked to people about how lonely and disconnected from the rest of the world I feel, but I don't know if I ever really manage to communicate just how deep those feelings are.

I was recently telling  a couple of people about how I often come to meals in the school's cafeteria not to eat but because I am lonely.  One of them seemed surprised that I would feel lonely at breakfast time.  I just said yes I do, but I really wanted to explain that I am lonely when I wake up, I'm lonely when I go to bed and I am lonely in between.

For most of my adult life the norm has been for me to go home after work and to have no human interaction until I went back to work the next morning.  And when I was not involved in a church, that meant that it was not uncommon for me to go from Friday afternoon to Monday morning without talking to another person.  At least with a church, I only had to make it to Sunday.

Right now, it has been six years since I was close enough to someone, intimate enough with them, to hold their hand, to sit with my arm around them as we watched TV, to kiss them.  Six years.  And I have no reason to think that that is going to change anytime soon, the last interval was eleven years.  I guess that I just don't have the stamina that I used to have, I really don't know how I'll make it another five years, but I'm afraid I am going to find out.

And as for poor Charlie Sheen and his whole month without sex.  The first time I had sex I was 19 (She was also my first kiss).  The last time I had sex I was 19 (Same woman).  I am going to turn 41 in March.  To say the least, I have very little sympathy for him.

Comments

[maveet]

3AM a couple nights ago I found myself thinking of you, wanting to write something in your comments. I've been doing a lot of blogsploring, and compiling my own blogroll. I added you. Somehow i was captivated by your whole project: in-process re identity, body, career, and writing about it in a public forum. What, thought I, could I write other than aknowledging your journey, wishing your well? So why bother?
Then I came back, read again, and realized if i was serious, I'd have to ask, "WTF are you doing working so hard to be accepted by a community, both your immediate and your larger one, that basically despise what you represent, hence who you are?"

Well, it's highly possible (likely, even) that I haven't a clue about your communities' feelings about you, to say nothing about your motivations. To me your gender transformation, your need to "get her words out" are courageous and aknowledging of your deepest inner urgings. But why aren't you somewhere there are like-minded and/or supportive folks? Why is it 6 or 11 years since intimacy, or even closeness? Like, I'm not intending to grill you, nor do I need (!) answers. these are just questions that went through my 3AM wonderings, and are still there each time I see your site.

And is Meghan going to become an accepted part of the church hierarchy? Wouldn't you be better off at some sort of LGBT congregation? And I'll stop before I address the whole issue of religion, christians and god-botherers on the planet, and how good they've always fucked it up, particularly for women. just sayin'.

[welderasf]

Good questions, and good points, I may address some of them in future posts, I always do better when answering questions than I do just trying to think of something to write.

As far as "why am I involved with the church?" I imagine that if I had done things in a different order, if I had been out first I would probably not gone seeking a home in the church.

But, I went to the church first, before I even said the word "Transgender" to myself, let alone to anyone else. Now, the church and my faith are central in my life and I need to find a way to make all the parts of my life work together, not just walk away from one because it's inconvenient.

Staying with the PC(USA)is another issue. I would probably have a much easier path to follow if I went to the UCC or MCC churches, but the PC(USA)is my home, and my families home. I love being Presbyterian, and I am a huge Presbyterian polity wonk. I don't want to leave.

Also, especially when it comes from someone inside the PC(USA), the question "wouldn't it be easier if you went to another denomination?" sounds a lot like, "wouldn't it be easier if you just sat at the back of the bus?"

I'll work on other answers during the day and try to post some of my thoughts. I have to start in on a 5 day take home exegesis exam this afternoon and it will help me to have something else to think about as I work on it.

(I know that doesn't make much sense, but it reflects how my brain works, I do much better when I don't try to focus on just one thing.)